Category: Podcast

My Mother Said to Do My Chores

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My Mother Said to Do My Chores

My mother said to do my chores,
to dust the shelves and mop the floors,
and wipe the walls and wind the clocks,
and scoop the kitty’s litter box,
and walk the dog and feed the fishes,
and wash and and dry the dirty dishes,
and clean my room and take a bath,
and read a book and do my math,
and pick up all my Lego blocks,
and put away my shoes and socks,
and hang my shirts and fold my pants,
and water all the potted plants,
and organize my toys and games,
and straighten up the picture frames,
and polish all the silverware,
and brush my teeth and comb my hair,
and rake the leaves and mow the lawn,
and on and on and on and on.

She said I’ll get to have some fun
as soon as all my chores are done.

With all the chores I have to do
until my mother says I’m through,
like study for an hour or two
the names of places in Peru,
and peel potatoes and stir the stew,
and fix a vase with crazy glue,
and practice tuba till I’m blue,
and scrub the tub and toilet too,
and sweep the chimney and the flue,
and wash the dog with pet shampoo,
and pick up piles of puppy poo…

It looks like I’ll be ninety three
before I get to watch TV.

–Kenn Nesbitt

The Teachers Jumped Out of the Windows

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The Teachers Jumped Out of the Windows

The teachers jumped out of the windows.
The principal ran for the door.
The nurse and librarian bolted.
They’re not coming back anymore.

The counselor, hollering madly,
escaped out the door of the gym.
The coach and custodian shouted
and ran out the door after him.

The lunch ladies threw up their ladles,
then fled from the kitchen in haste,
while all of the students looked puzzled
as staff members scurried and raced.

We’d never seen anything like it.
But, still, it was pretty darned cool
to see all the staff so excited
to leave on the last day of school.

–Kenn Nesbitt

Copyright © 2007 Kenn Nesbitt. All Rights Reserved.
From the book Revenge of the Lunch Ladies.

Revenge of the Lunch Ladies

Halloween is Nearly Here

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Halloween is Nearly Here

Halloween is nearly here.
I’ve got my costume planned.
It’s sure to be the most horrific
outfit in the land.

If you should see me coming
you may scream and hide your head.
My get-up will, I guarantee,
fill every heart with dread.

My costume may cause nightmares.
Yes, my mask may stop your heart.
You might just shriek and wet yourself,
then squeamishly depart.

And yet, I won’t be dressing as
you might expect me to.
I will not be a vampire
or ghost that hollers “boo!”

I won’t look like a werewolf
or a goblin or a ghoul,
or even like a slimy blob
of deadly, dripping drool.

I will not be a zombie
or some other horrid creature.
No, this year I’ll be much, much worse…
I’m dressing as a teacher.

–Kenn Nesbitt

Xbox, Xbox

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Xbox, Xbox,
you’re the one for me.
I also love my 3DS
and my Nintendo Wii.

GameCube, GameBoy,
Apple iPod Touch.
I never thought that I would ever
be in love this much.

Pac-Man, Sonic,
Mario, and Link.
Your names are etched inside my mind
in everlasting ink.

Run, jump, flip, hang,
double-jump, and climb.
That’s all I want to do
with every second of my time.

This is true love.
Yes, it’s plain to see.
Xbox, Xbox,
will you marry me?

–Kenn Nesbitt

My Kitten Won’t Stop Talking

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My kitten won’t stop talking.
She just prattles night and day.
She walks around repeating
nearly everything I say.

My kitten never says, “Meow.”
She never even purrs.
She mimics me instead
in that annoying voice of hers.

She waits for me to speak,
and then she copies every word,
or begs me for a cracker,
or says, “I’m a pretty bird.”

I’m not sure what to do, and so
I simply grin and bear it.
She’s been this way since yesterday;
that’s when she ate my parrot.

–Kenn Nesbitt

Gerbil, Gerbil, On the Run

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Gerbil, gerbil, on the run
in your wheel, that looks like fun.
You must be in awesome shape.
Are you trying to escape?

Is that why you dug a hole?
Where’d you get that vaulting pole?
That looks like my grappling hook.
Give me back that rope you took.

Tell me what that ladder’s for.
Why’s that hacksaw on the floor?
Are those cable cutters there?
Do I see a signal flare?

Crowbar, blowtorch, chainsaw too?
What do you expect to do?
How’d you get that fuse to light?
Hey! That looks like dynamite!

Quick! Get out! It might explode!
Scram! Skedaddle! Hit the road!
Man, I’ll miss you. You were fun.
Gerbil, gerbil, on the run.

–Kenn Nesbitt

My Hamster Has a Skateboard

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My hamster has a skateboard.
When he rides it, though, he falls.
He takes off like a maniac
and crashes into walls.

He screams, “Geronimo!”
and then goes crashing down the stairs.
He’s good at knocking tables down
and slamming into chairs.

He’ll slalom through the living room
and then you’ll hear a, “Splat!”
which means that he’s collided with
my mother or the cat.

He plows right into cabinets,
and smashes into doors,
I think he’s wrecked on every bed
and every chest of drawers.

It’s fun to watch him ride
because you’re sure to hear a smash.
He doesn’t skate so well but, boy,
he sure knows how to crash.

–Kenn Nesbitt

Welcome Back to School

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“Dear students, the summer has ended.
The school year at last has begun.
But this year is totally different.
I promise we’ll only have fun.

“We won’t study any mathematics,
and recess will last all day long.
Instead of the pledge of allegiance,
we’ll belt out a rock-and-roll song.

“We’ll only play games in the classroom.
You’re welcome to bring in your toys.
It’s okay to run in the hallways.
It’s great if you make lots of noise.

“For homework, you’ll play your Nintendo.
You’ll have to watch lots of T.V.
For field trips we’ll go to the movies
and get lots of candy for free.

“The lunchroom will only serve chocolate
and triple fudge sundaes supreme.”
Yes, that’s what I heard from my teacher
before I woke up from my dream.

–Kenn Nesbitt

Catastrophe

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Our house is a catastrophe.
The curtains are in shreds.
There’s fur on all the furniture
and “presents” on our beds.

The couch is clawed to pieces.
The bathroom rug is ripped.
The goldfish bowl is broken
and the cat food dish is flipped.

There’s kitty litter everywhere.
The carpet smells like pee.
We went away for just one day
and got CATastrophe.

–Kenn Nesbitt

My Teacher Ate My Homework

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My teacher ate my homework,
which I thought was rather odd.
He sniffed at it and smiled
with an approving sort of nod.

He took a little nibble —
it’s unusual, but true —
then had a somewhat larger bite
and gave a thoughtful chew.

I think he must have liked it,
for he really went to town.
He gobbled it with gusto
and he wolfed the whole thing down.

He licked off all his fingers,
gave a burp and said, “You pass.”
I guess that’s how they grade you
when you’re in a cooking class.

–Kenn Nesbitt