I’m the toughest pastry maker who has ever baked a cake.
My impressive little pastries are impossible to break.
Yes, my cookies and my cupcakes will defeat the strongest jaws,
while my muffins are impervious to power drills and saws.
You have never seen a danish or a donut quite so strong
and I bake the fiercest fruitcake that has ever come along.
You can chew on them till doomsday, you can chew till kingdom come,
but you’ll never get a nibble, not a solitary crumb.
You can whack them with a hammer, you can hit them with a stick.
You can stab them with a dagger, you can beat them with a brick.
You can drop them from an airplane, you can blast them with a bomb
but my pastries will exhibit only peacefulness and calm.
I expect you’ll want to test them. I encourage you to try,
but you’ll never make a mark on them and here’s the reason why:
I do something with my recipes no other bakers do;
when the cookbook calls for “milk” or “water,” I use Crazy Glue.
If you should need a t-shirt
or perhaps a pair of socks,
the Werewolf has you covered,
for it’s stockings that he stocks.
His shop has briefs and boxer shorts,
brassieres and BVDs,
suspenders, slips, and other
undergarments such as these.
He’ll find you flannel long johns,
which he stocks in “his” and “hers.”
And, yes, he does have diapers
for his baby customers.
No matter if it’s undershirts
or tights you’re looking for,
the underwear is over at
The Underwearwolf Store.
My dog is running faster
than he’s ever run before
in a supersonic circle
in the middle of the floor.
He started somewhat slowly
but he quickly gathered steam,
and continued gaining speed
until his spinning was extreme.
He’s turned into a whirlwind,
like a funnel cloud of fog,
so it’s hard to even focus on
my whirling dervish dog.
He’s like a small tornado
or a canine hurricane.
Why it doesn’t make him dizzy
I’m unable to explain.
I only know he has this
most unusual of traits,
and he loves to chase his tail around
while wearing roller skates.
(to the tune of “The Marine’s Hymn” or “From the Halls of Montezuma”)
From the ants in our petunia bed
to the earthworms in our lawn;
they’ve been practicing karate drills
every morning right at dawn.
All the beetles and the katydids
and the caterpillars, too,
have been learning judo, tae kwon do,
sumo wrestling, and kung fu.
They’ve been mastering the flying kick.
They’ve been breaking bricks and boards.
And I think they may have even learned
how to fight with ninja swords.
They’ve been marching all around the yard
to the sound of beating drums.
I would say they’re nearly ready for
when the pest control guy comes.
When rattlesnakes wear roller skates
it’s quite a sight to see.
They figure skate in figure eights
They spin their partners round and round
and throw them through the air,
then swing them down around the ground
with fluidness and flair.
They slide and glide from side to side
revolving all the while.
They skip and flip and zoom and zip
with elegance and style.
But skates for snakes are big mistakes
for, as they loop and leap,
they always land like pretzels in
a tied and twisted heap.
At Hamster Sam’s Rodeo, tickets are free,
and, oh, the spectactular things that you’ll see.
We’re hamsters with cowboy boots, lassos, and chaps,
sombreros and saddles, bandanas and straps.
We even have hamsters for rodeo clowns,
with red rubber noses and painted-on frowns.
We spend our days racing, and roping, and riding,
and wrestling, and running, and bucking, and sliding.
It’s non-stop excitement and guaranteed thrills,
with action and laughter and drama and spills.
And what’s even better — on top of all that —
we haven’t got horses; we ride on the cat.
Forty purple porpoises
on forty silver sleds
went flying by with forty
flaming rockets on their heads.
As forty horses bungie-jumped
from forty jumbo jets,
some forty mice on dirt bikes
raced with forty marmosets.
Then forty hippopotami
on forty snowmobiles
went screaming down a moutainside
with forty skiing seals.
And forty whales on skateboards
crashed in forty hockey rinks.
Yes, that’s the dream I dreamed last night
while catching forty winks.
If you happen to hop on a boa constrictor,
you’ll find it’s a fabulous ride,
just as long as you’re strong and can hop on the top,
for it’s never as fun from inside.
Gabby bought a baby beagle
at the beagle baby store.
Gabby gave her beagle kibble,
but he begged for bagels more.
Gabby loved her baby beagle;
gladly Gabby gave him one,
but her beagle grabbed the bag and
gulped them down till there were none.
So she took her baby beagle
to the bagel baker’s store,
where the beagle gobbled bagels,
bags of bagels by the score.
Gabby’s beagle gorged on bagels,
bigger bagels than before,
till he’d gobbled every bagel
in the baker’s bagel store.
Gulping bagels bulges baby
beagles’ bellies really big.
Say goodbye to baby beagle;
Gabby’s beagle’s now a pig.
My sister kisses thistles
she’s a thistle kissing sis,
thus a thistle’s itchy bristles
never miss my sister’s kiss.
My sister wishes thistles
weren’t as itchy to the kiss,
as the thistle’s bristles itches
make my prissy sister hiss.
My sister’s hisses whistle
as she kisses with a swish,
so my sister kisses thistles
with a thistle whistle wish.