I’m a sad and lonely Cyclops.
I am so misunderstood.
Though I probably look fearsome
I am actually good.
I’m as harmless as a kitten.
No, I wouldn’t hurt a fly,
But my neighbors think I’m monstrous
with my solitary eye.
So they laugh at me and tease me
and they often call me names,
plus they won’t let me participate
in their Olympic games.
They won’t let me join their practices
or even watch a tryout.
So I sit at home and sniffle
and I sadly cry my eye out.
You can never be too careful,
that’s what I always say,
and so I wear a hat, or two,
in case my hair turns gray.
I’ve thirteen tires on my car,
in case I get a flat.
I wear my pants size fifty-three,
in case I grow too fat.
You can never be too careful,
I’m sure you’ll find it’s true.
I see the doctor every day,
in case I catch the flu.
I carry twenty handkerchiefs,
in case I have to sneeze,
and forty seven bandages,
in case I skin my knees.
You can never be too careful,
so if I take a walk,
I tiptoe everywhere I go
and whisper when I talk.
I hide my money in a box,
and lock it up inside Fort Knox.
My house is made of bricks and rocks.
The front door has a hundred locks.
But now I have a problem, see,
I’m locked inside without the key.
I’ve lost it and I can’t get free.
I hid it much too carefully!
My senses all are backward
and it really makes me wonder
if on the day that I was born
somebody made a blunder.
For, strange but true, my senses
all got totally reversed.
Now everything I like the best
is what you’d call the worst.
I only like the smell of things
that frighten other noses.
I love the odor of a skunk.
I hate the smell of roses.
I only like the taste of foods
that cause most folks to shiver.
I hate the taste of chocolate.
I’m crazy over liver.
I’m not too fond of music
but there’s simply no denying
I like the sound of honking horns
and little babies crying.
I hate the feel of silky, velvet
softness on my skin.
I much prefer the way it feels
when sitting on a pin.
I hate the look of anything
that’s really cute and snuggly.
The things I think are pretty
are what most consider ugly.
So let me tell you one more thing
before I have to go:
I think YOU are the most attractive
person that I know.
Don’t test a rattlesnake’s rattle.
Don’t count the teeth of a shark.
Don’t stick your head in the mouth of a bulldog
to find out what’s making him bark.
Don’t count the stripes on a tiger.
Don’t squeeze an elephant’s trunk.
Don’t pet the scales of a boa constrictor
and don’t lift the tail of a skunk.
Don’t study spots on a leopard.
Don’t check the charge of an eel.
Don’t pull the claws on a grizzly bear’s paws
regardless of how brave you feel.
Don’t pull a porcupine’s whiskers.
Don’t touch a crocodile’s toe.
Learn all you like, but try not to forget:
there are some things you don’t need to know.
“I’b sick,” I pout ad blow my doze.
“I’b misseeg all by favorite shows.
I hab to stay id bed, you see.
My mob wode led me watch T.B.
She breegs me chicked soup ad says
that I should try to get sub resd.
Bud I’b too bored ad icky feeleeg
tired of stareeg ad the ceileeg,
achy, cougheeg, stuffed up too.
Bud thaks for askeeg. How are you?”
I left our rhino in the rain;
all night he’s been outside.
The rain has soaked him to the bone,
right through his rhino hide.
He’s my responsibility.
My folks said, “Don’t forget…”
But somehow I neglected him,
and now he’s soaking wet.
And both my folks are all upset
and feel I can’t be trusted.
I left our rhino in the rain,
and he rhinocerusted.
Both my parents told me not to,
but I did it anyway.
Now our water tank is empty
and the well ran dry today.
Not a drop is in the reservoir.
The lake’s completely dry.
Everybody’s getting thirstier
and I’m the reason why.
All the rivers are depleted.
All the streams no longer flow.
All the seas and all the oceans
are devoid of H20.
No there isn’t any water,
not a drop is left to drink,
’cause I left the faucet running
and it all went down the sink.
I’m having trouble thpeaking,
thinthe I lotht my middle tooth.
Jutht yethterday my tooth wath fine —
today it wiggled loothe.
At firtht I thought it thilly,
when my tooth fell out today,
But no one theems to underthtand
a thingle word I thay.
I athked my mom to clothe the door,
she thaid “That would be rude.
The door does not like wearing clothes;
it’s happy in the nude.”
I thaid a mouthe wath in my room
and she should come and thee.
She thaid “your mouth is on your face;
it’s right where it should be.”
I wonder if you underthtand
the thircumthtanthe I’m in.
I told her I wath feeling thick.
She thaid “you’re looking thin.”
At latht she thaw how mad I wath,
And thought I might thtop breathing.
She laughed and thaid she didn’t mean it —
She wath only teething.
My foot fell asleep
right inside of my shoe
from sitting around
having nothing to do.
It hadn’t drank warm milk
nor tried to count sheep;
it just wasn’t busy,
and fell right asleep.
You see, in my shoe
it gets lonely and boring,
which made my foot sleepy,
and soon it was snoring.
My foot snored so loudly
my shoe began flapping.
But it didn’t notice —
it kept right on napping!
It slept through the morning
and most of the day,
despite that my other foot
wanted to play.
It took a siesta.
It slumbered inert.
It nodded through dinner.
It dozed through dessert.
Now I’m in my bed
and I’ve been up all night.
I’m trying to sleep,
although try as I might,
my foot slept all day
(what a foolish mistake!)
now I can’t fall asleep
’cause my foot’s wide awake!
My name is Rumplestiltskin.
My parents thought it cute.
They said “He needs a MASSIVE name
because he’s so minute.”
They never once considered
that they could have named me Jim.
They didn’t say, “A name like Bob
is suitable for him.”
They never thought to call me Max
or Josh or Jake or Jack,
or Mike or Bill or Sam or Tom
or Pete or Dan or Zack.
So here I am in second grade
the saddest kid in school,
for everyone makes fun of me;
they tease and ridicule.
They laugh at me and call me names
and treat me like a chump.
It’s hard to be a kid in school
whose name begins with “Rump.”