Tag: funny

Wayne the Stegosaurus

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Wayne the Stegosaurus

Meet the stegosaurus, Wayne.
He doesn’t have the biggest brain.
He’s long and heavy, wide and tall,
but has a brain that’s extra small.

He’s not the brightest dinosaur.
He thinks that one plus one is four.
He can’t remember up from down.
He thinks the sky is chocolate brown.

He wears his bow tie on his tail
and likes to eat the daily mail.
When playing hide-and-seek he tries
to hide by covering his eyes.

He thinks that black is really white.
He’s sure the sun comes out at night.
He thinks that water grows on trees
and when it’s hot he starts to freeze.

He’s happy when he’s feeling ill.
He likes to dance by standing still.
And when it’s time to go to bed,
he puts bananas on his head.

He thinks his name is Bob, not Wayne,
but that’s what happens when your brain
(although you’re big and brave and spiny)
is very, very, very tiny.

–Kenn Nesbitt

My Invisible Dragon

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My Invisible Dragon

I have an invisible dragon.
She’s such a remarkable flyer.
She soars through the sky on invisible wings
exhaling invisible fire.

My dragon is utterly silent.
She soundlessly swoops through the air.
Why, she could be flying beside you right now,
and you’d never know she was there.

And if you should reach out to pet her,
I don’t think you’d notice too much.
Her body is simply too airy and light
to sense her by means of a touch.

And just as you don’t see or hear her,
and just as she cannot be felt,
my dragon does not have an odor at all,
which means that she’ll never be smelt.

Although you may find this outlandish,
you just have to trust me, it’s true.
And, oh, by the way, did I mention I have
an invisible unicorn too?

–Kenn Nesbitt

My Mother Said to Do My Chores

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My Mother Said to Do My Chores

My mother said to do my chores,
to dust the shelves and mop the floors,
and wipe the walls and wind the clocks,
and scoop the kitty’s litter box,
and walk the dog and feed the fishes,
and wash and and dry the dirty dishes,
and clean my room and take a bath,
and read a book and do my math,
and pick up all my Lego blocks,
and put away my shoes and socks,
and hang my shirts and fold my pants,
and water all the potted plants,
and organize my toys and games,
and straighten up the picture frames,
and polish all the silverware,
and brush my teeth and comb my hair,
and rake the leaves and mow the lawn,
and on and on and on and on.

She said I’ll get to have some fun
as soon as all my chores are done.

With all the chores I have to do
until my mother says I’m through,
like study for an hour or two
the names of places in Peru,
and peel potatoes and stir the stew,
and fix a vase with crazy glue,
and practice tuba till I’m blue,
and scrub the tub and toilet too,
and sweep the chimney and the flueflue a passage or duct for smoke in a chimney.,
and wash the dog with pet shampoo,
and pick up piles of puppy poo…

It looks like I’ll be ninety three
before I get to watch TV.

–Kenn Nesbitt

My Kitten Won’t Stop Talking

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My kitten won’t stop talking.
She just prattles night and day.
She walks around repeating
nearly everything I say.

My kitten never says, “Meow.”
She never even purrs.
She mimics me instead
in that annoying voice of hers.

She waits for me to speak,
and then she copies every word,
or begs me for a cracker,
or says, “I’m a pretty bird.”

I’m not sure what to do, and so
I simply grin and bear it.
She’s been this way since yesterday;
that’s when she ate my parrot.

–Kenn Nesbitt

Gerbil, Gerbil, On the Run

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Gerbil, gerbil, on the run
in your wheel, that looks like fun.
You must be in awesome shape.
Are you trying to escape?

Is that why you dug a hole?
Where’d you get that vaulting pole?
That looks like my grappling hook.
Give me back that rope you took.

Tell me what that ladder’s for.
Why’s that hacksaw on the floor?
Are those cable cutters there?
Do I see a signal flare?

Crowbar, blowtorch, chainsaw too?
What do you expect to do?
How’d you get that fuse to light?
Hey! That looks like dynamite!

Quick! Get out! It might explode!
Scram! Skedaddle! Hit the road!
Man, I’ll miss you. You were fun.
Gerbil, gerbil, on the run.

–Kenn Nesbitt

My Hamster Has a Skateboard

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My hamster has a skateboard.
When he rides it, though, he falls.
He takes off like a maniac
and crashes into walls.

He screams, “Geronimo!”
and then goes crashing down the stairs.
He’s good at knocking tables down
and slamming into chairs.

He’ll slalom through the living room
and then you’ll hear a, “Splat!”
which means that he’s collided with
my mother or the cat.

He plows right into cabinets,
and smashes into doors,
I think he’s wrecked on every bed
and every chest of drawers.

It’s fun to watch him ride
because you’re sure to hear a smash.
He doesn’t skate so well but, boy,
he sure knows how to crash.

–Kenn Nesbitt

Welcome Back to School

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“Dear students, the summer has ended.
The school year at last has begun.
But this year is totally different.
I promise we’ll only have fun.

“We won’t study any mathematics,
and recess will last all day long.
Instead of the pledge of allegiance,
we’ll belt out a rock-and-roll song.

“We’ll only play games in the classroom.
You’re welcome to bring in your toys.
It’s okay to run in the hallways.
It’s great if you make lots of noise.

“For homework, you’ll play your Nintendo.
You’ll have to watch lots of T.V.
For field trips we’ll go to the movies
and get lots of candy for free.

“The lunchroom will only serve chocolate
and triple fudge sundaes supreme.”
Yes, that’s what I heard from my teacher
before I woke up from my dream.

–Kenn Nesbitt

Catastrophe

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Our house is a catastrophecatastrophe any misfortune, mishap, or failure; fiasco..
The curtains are in shreds.
There’s fur on all the furniture
and “presents” on our beds.

The couch is clawed to pieces.
The bathroom rug is ripped.
The goldfish bowl is broken
and the cat food dish is flipped.

There’s kitty litter everywhere.
The carpet smells like pee.
We went away for just one day
and got CATastrophe.

–Kenn Nesbitt

My Teacher Ate My Homework

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My teacher ate my homework,
which I thought was rather odd.
He sniffed at it and smiled
with an approving sort of nod.

He took a little nibble —
it’s unusual, but true —
then had a somewhat larger bite
and gave a thoughtful chew.

I think he must have liked it,
for he really went to town.
He gobbled it with gusto
and he wolfed the whole thing down.

He licked off all his fingers,
gave a burp and said, “You pass.”
I guess that’s how they grade you
when you’re in a cooking class.

–Kenn Nesbitt

April Fool’s Day

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Mackenzie put a whoopie cushionwhoopie cushion a type of cushion or pillow used as a practical joke that, when sat upon, produces a loud noise resembling flatulence.
on the teacher’s chair.
Makayla told the teacher
that a bug was in her hair.

Alyssa brought an apple
with a purple gummy worm
and gave it to the teacher
just to see if she would squirm.

Elijah left a piece of plastic
dog doo on the floor,
and Vincent put some plastic vomit
in the teacher’s drawer.

Amanda put a goldfish
in the teacher’s drinking glass.
These April Fool’s Day pranks
are ones that you could use in class.

Before you go and try them, though,
there’s something I should mention:
The teacher wasn’t fooling
when she put us in detention.

–Kenn Nesbitt