I cooked my math book in a broth
and stirred it to a steaming froth.
I threw in papers—pencils, too—
to make a pot of homework stew.
I turned the flame up nice and hot
and tossed my binder in the pot.
I sprinkled in my book report
with colored markers by the quart.
Despite its putrid, noxious gas,
I proudly took my stew to class.
And though the smell was so grotesque,
I set it on my teacher’s desk.
My teacher said, “You’re quite a chef.
But, still, you’re going to get an F.
I didn’t ask for ‘homework stew,’
I said, ‘Tomorrow, homework’s due.'”
Once I ate a carrot
and I thought that it was good.
Then I ate a green bean
’cause my mother said I should.
The green bean was delicious,
what a yummy thing to eat.
It made me feel adventurous
and so I tried a beet.
The beet was simply wonderful.
My taste buds were aglow.
I think I’m going crazy
and I thought you ought to know.
CHORUS
I’m going crazy. Crazy, crazy, crazy.
It’s how I want to be, yeah.
I’m crazy over vegetables
and that’s alright with me.
I nibbled on some broccoli.
Amazing! What a taste!
And now the parsley on my plate
will never go to waste.
I ate some squash and pumpkin too,
as much as I could hoard.
It got me so excited
I went right out of my gourd.
CHORUS
I’m going crazy. Crazy, crazy, crazy.
But, oh, what can I say?
I’m crazy over vegetables.
I eat them every day.
Well, you can lock me up in a padded room
and throw away the key.
Before you go, please toss in
a stalk of celery.
I tasted some asparagus.
What scrumptious little spears!
I was eating corn until
it came out my ears.
And now I’m eating artichokes,
radishes and peas.
I’ve gone completely loony
over vegetables like these.
CHORUS
I’m going crazy. Crazy, crazy, crazy.
It’s crazy but it’s true.
I’m crazy over vegetables.
I love them, yes I do.
I’m going crazy. Crazy, crazy, crazy.
It’s how I want to be, yeah.
I hope that someday everyone
is crazy just like me.
My dog likes to disco
on TikTok for fun.
He’d rather start dancing
than go for a run…
Hi friends and readers! I have spent the past three years working on this, and I can finally tell you… I have a brand new book coming out next week, and it’s going to be called My Dog Likes to Disco!
Like my previous books The Armpit of Doom, The Biggest Burp Ever, and My Cat Knows Karate, My Dog Likes to Disco contains 70 new funny poems about disco-dancing dogs, invisible kids, misbehaving phones, preposterous people, and much, much more.
Along with 50 wacky illustrations by Rafael Domingos, this new book includes many of the most popular poems I have ever written, including “I Made a Meme this Morning,” “My Flat Cat,” and “Our Dog’s Name is Roomba.”
The Kindle Edition of My Dog Likes to Disco is available for pre-order from Amazon now. The hardcover edition will be available to purchase on March 30, 2021.
Enjoy!
My dog likes to disco
on TikTok for fun.
He’d rather start dancing
than go for a run.
My dog likes to wiggle
and jiggle and jump.
He bobbles his noggin
and wriggles his rump.
And when he’s done dancing,
this doggy of mine
will pick up his cell phone
and post it online.
He puts up a video
once every day
so people can watch
as he wiggles away.
He started on TikTok
for something to do,
and now he’s on YouTube
and Instagram too.
He’s trending on Twitter
and Facebook as well.
I guess that I should have
been able to tell.
You see, when I rescued
my dog from the pound,
the sign said, “Purebred
social media hound.”
I made a meme this morning.
I posted it online.
(I asked my mom’s permission.
She said that it was fine.)
Then people started sharing it.
The next thing that I knew,
my meme had spread around the world.
It grew, and grew, and grew!
By lunch my meme went viral.
It had a billion views.
By dinnertime the TV had it
on the evening news.
I earned a penny, maybe two,
from every single share,
and, by the time I went to bed,
I was a millionaire.
I thought of making one more meme
that might go even higher.
But, nah, I’m nearly nine years old.
I think I’ll just retire.
My little brother took my Switch
to stream a game or two on Twitch.
But, when he tried to turn it on,
my Switch would not play Pokémon.
My Switch would not play Mario,
or Donkey Kong, or Yu-Gi-Oh!,
or Minecraft, or Monopoly,
or Captain Toad, or Pikmin 3,
Jurassic Park, or Kingdom Hearts,
or any game with racing karts,
or Shovel Knight, or Dragon Ball,
or, really, any game at all.
He gave it back and said, “It’s broke.”
I had to giggle at my joke.
I switched my Switch and played a trick.
I’d given him my painted brick.
We’re staying home this Christmas.
We won’t shop at the mall.
We won’t go to department stores
or anywhere at all.
We’ll do our shopping all online
this year and, I assume,
we’re having Christmas dinner
with our relatives on Zoom.
We’ll have a celebration too
with fun and festive cheer.
But that will be on FaceTime, Skype,
and Google Meet this year.
We heard that even Santa Claus
will celebrate this way,
and won’t deliver presents
in his bright-red Santa sleigh.
But there’s no need for us to fret;
we won’t be out of luck.
He said he’ll send our presents
in a brown delivery truck.
Whenever it’s December
and I think about the year,
both the one that’s almost over
and the one that’s nearly here,
I recall how, in the springtime,
all of nature was transformed,
as the flowers started blooming
and the winter weather warmed.
Then the summer followed springtime;
how the months went by so fast!
I had thought the long and sunny days
would last, and last, and last.
But the summer turned to autumn
and the leaves began to blow.
I could tell that pretty soon
we would be blanketed in snow.
Now it’s once again December
and the days are growing colder.
I’m another twelve months wiser
and another twelve months older.
And I dream about the new year
and the old one I remember.
It’s the way I like to celebrate
whenever it’s December.
Calling all children! Please lend me your ears.
We vote for a President every four years.
We have an election that’s coming up soon,
and we need your help, so turn off that cartoon
and give me a moment or two of your time
by reading the rest of this short, simple rhyme.
The vote is the way that the people decide,
which person will lead us, and act as our guide.
You can’t cast your vote till you’re grown-up, it’s true,
but, still, there is something that all kids can do.
Remember this poem, these words that I wrote,
and go ask your parents and teachers to vote.
For several years now I have been doing live, interactive webinars in conjunction with Streamable Learning, the leading provider of interactive livestreams in the K-12 market in the US and Canada. Through quality educational content and an easy-to-use platform, Streamable Learning aims to in introduce interactive livestreams as a valuable supplemental tool for classrooms and families seeking to inspire and educate their K-12 students.
During the 2020-21 school year, I will be providing 27 online webinars, including interactive poetry-writing lessons, holiday poetry sessions, and programs on famous children’s poets from Dr. Seuss to Shel Silverstein. Schools are invited to join any of these sessions as my guest.
Streamable Learning and Zoom
If you haven’t yet used Zoom, I think you’re going to love it. Zoom is a free videoconferencing program similar to Skype, but with clearer, more reliable audio and video.
Streamable Learning offers a convenient, cost-effective, and comprehensive calendar of interactive livestreams delivered by subject matter experts and designed to supplement your existing and future lesson plans. To discover hundreds of engaging, educational programs, have a look a their Livestream Calendar.
I have been offering interactive poetry livestreams through Streamable Learning for several years now, and I hope you’ll be able to join me this year. You can register and participate in as many of these upcoming sessions as you like.
If you would like to attend one of my programs, please see the list of registration links shown below. When you click on the link, you will need to fill out just a few items and once you have finished the form, you will then receive an email with the livestream link. If you do not, please check your spam folder. It is possible that the livestream link will end up there. To join the program, you will need to download the Zoom app. You can download this free app at www.zoom.us/download and click on “Zoom Client for Meetings.” If you have any difficulty, contact [email protected].
2020-21 Livestream Schedule
September 15, 2020
September 17, 2020
October 27, 2020
October 28, 2020
October 29, 2020
November 17, 2020
November 19, 2020
December 21, 2020
December 22, 2020
January 19, 2021
January 21, 2021
February 8, 2021
February 9, 2021
February 12, 2021
March 2, 2021
March 4, 2021
April 6, 2021
April 13, 2021
May 11, 2021
May 13, 2021
June 4, 2021
If you would prefer to arrange a private interactive videoconference for your class or school only, simply click here to schedule an online author visit. I look forward to seeing your students online!
Homework Stew
Crazy Over Vegetables
My Dog Likes to Disco
I Made a Meme this Morning
Switch Switch
Online Christmas
Whenever It’s December
Calling all Kids!